Honoring Your No

You may have heard the phrase “No is a complete sentence.” This is often something that someone says when referring to the fact that it is completely ok for you to turn down invitations or requests for your time that don’t align with your schedule or personal needs at that time. Perhaps you are over booked, exhausted, or simply do not want to participate for whatever reason. A simple “No, I’m not able to make it but thank you for the invitation.” or “Unfortunately I am not available to help you at this time.” are completely acceptable and polite responses. You are not obligated to explain yourself. This way of thinking is often taught to recovering people pleasers and those that are working on developing their self-care routines and habits while establishing healthy boundaries. I am one hundred percent on board with this way of thinking! In fact, it was my long term and favorite Nanny Mom who, in my 20’s had asked me if I was available for something, I had a conflict and began to explain myself. She told me that it was ok to say no and that I didn’t owe her an explanation for my personal time. That really stuck with me as I began to move away from being a people pleaser, and into setting healthy boundaries for myself.

Why then is it so difficult to stick to the No’s that you give to your children? Think about this for a minute. If No is a complete sentence (which it is) and we expect others to respect when we say no, why then is this so often an open invitation for toddler and child negotiations? If you told your child no, that should be the final answer, end of story, period. You clearly said no for a reason, of which there are any number of reasons that apply here. You may have said no for your child’s safety, you may have said no for your child’s health, you may have said no because it is not an appropriate time for what it is that they are asking, you may have said no so that they don’t spoil their dinner. Whatever the reason was, you, Mom, said no, and no means no! You may have told your child “No, we can’t go to the park right now it’s time for lunch and a nap, but we can go to the park after your nap if the weather is good.” You may have told your child “No, we do not take toys from others!” the main point here is that whether your no is short for not right now, or no, not at all, no is no.

I was a Nanny for a couple of girls for many years. It was one of those special and rare times as a Nanny where it wasn’t just a job, the whole family became (and still is all these years later) family to me. The girls knew I was their older friend there to play with them while providing care, but that I was also the adult in charge and that meant that as much fun as we had, they needed to respect me as such. They learned and knew what was expected of them, from using their manners, to cleaning up as we went, to washing their hands the minute we came home from being anywhere. They also knew that if I said No to something, it wasn’t going to change. In addition to this if it was something I was considering, and I would say “We will see.” They knew not to push further because my maybe would very quickly change to a no. On the rare occasion that one of them would ask me again after I had already said no, I would say “Has my no ever changed after I said no by you asking again?” The response would of course be “no” to which I would say “Then what makes you think it’s going to change this time?” I had their respect.

The thing, is if you want your children to respect you and listen to what you have to say, then you HAVE to be consistent. I get it, raising kids is hard work. There are some days that it is so exhausting that giving in and saying “ok fine” after you said no and they began whining, begging, or pitching a fit, is easier. I promise you, however, that you are creating a lack of respect, a lack of healthy boundaries, and children that will begin to walk all over you and think that they can run the house, and that the rules do not apply to them. This is very dangerous territory as it snowballs quicky and escalates as the children grow. How can you expect them to respect you as Mom and in charge if you are wishy washy anytime they don’t like your answer? How can you expect your child to grow to respect the no of others in their life? Remember, your job is to parent your child, not to be their best buddy. If you do the hard work of raising your kids now through the tough times and sticking to your word, you may very well get to have that healthy friendship with your child when they are a grown adult. Right now, while playing with them is fun and there are so many fun things to do as a family and as a mom with your kids, do not forget that you are raising them into who they will be in the future. Make it a point to not mix up parenting with being a buddy. Sadly, while it seems fun or easy in the moment, you are setting your child up for an unhappy future. They are going to hear no in life. I have always said no matter what career path a child chooses when they become an adult, if I have had any say in helping to raise them as their nanny, they are going to be kind, respectful adults, people of character that know how to treat other people. People that other people enjoy being around. People that know how to handle life’s disappointments and setbacks and pick themselves up and keep moving forward. I will not have any part in raising an entitled adult, who sadly is also a very unhappy adult, no matter how you slice it.

Let your no be no when it comes to yourself and with your kids. What an amazing gift you are giving them to as they will grow to honor the no of others as well as being able to honor their own no. This is taking the hard work and time to raise healthy adults that will be able to set boundaries and live life whole. The daily habits, routines, and what we tolerate and do not tolerate with our children now add up to who they will become later. Give your kids this very important gift!

Saying no and sticking to it can take time and practice, don’t give up! It gets easier, I promise, and you most certainly won’t regret it. By giving in now, the behavior of your three-year-old will only be that much more difficult to get under control when they are fifteen. On the other hand, by remaining firm in your decisions for your three-year-old now, you will be better equipped to handle the challenges that come with the teenage years. You’ve got this, mom, and your kids are worth this effort!